In another post in this dating series that reeks of positivity, I discussed problems with dating/sex culture and assessed Tomi Lahren’s “a lot of men are trash” comments. 

But the problems with dating in the 21st century are a long list.

I think our social disconnectedness is affecting our dating in at least two major ways: 

  1. We are lonely, so we are desperate. 
  2. We lack community, so we lack discernment. 

Let’s deal with each of these in turn. 

We are lonely, so we are desperate

Thanks to the interwebs, we are hyper-connected. Despite this, we report being lonelier than ever. 

The result? Anxiety and depression run rampant. Easy dopamine bursts bring us back to phones for social media, which gives us an excuse to not bother with real-life interactions which can be scary. 

That means that we lack connection, and our bodies know it. That’s what loneliness is – physiological reaction meant to push us towards people so that we’re not alone and not weak. But technology serves as a poor substitute, and the problem doesn’t go away. 

When it comes to the dating game, loneliness is a position of weakness. You’re prone to make a bad decision out of desperation, to grab onto the first thing that comes around. 

Being alone or desperate for attention often leads to failed relationships. Unless I’m as desperate as you, I probably won’t like how needy you are. Chicks don’t dig neediness. Dudes neither. 

So our disconnected culture makes us less desirable as mates since we are less healthy. What’s worse, it spirals. Loneliness leads to clinginess leads to rejection leads to more loneliness.

We lack community, so we lack discernment

Normally, people assess their partners on a variety of criteria. Such criteria can be complex and influenced by culture, but some basic things seem consistent. Men want fertility. Women want status (or at least, the things that predict or come with status). 

Let’s discuss the somewhat uncomfortable status-thing. 

Yes, status can come with shallow things like labels. On dating apps, women will match more often with men of certain jobs like doctors or lawyers (I still don’t get the pilot thing, if you ladies care to explain that to me). But status is complicated and isn’t necessarily discerned with shallow taste (not that labels are always bad predictors). 

I think being in community helps us see the quality of a person and thus make better dating choices. Good community means better discernment all around. 

As people develop real relationships, quality and character don’t only grow – they become visible. It’s hard to be fake in community; it’s also hard to hide. Your quirks will come out, too. But respect can and will be earned – as can status, if there’s a difference between the two. 

This is a much better way to determine status and see the quality of a person. Labels you put on a profile aren’t meaningless, but they’re not the things to weigh heavily. A guy with a Ph.D. and successful career could also be a jerk and a player. Community will make sure that he has less opportunity to be that – and if he is, it’ll be known. On the other hand, a seemingly average dude with a modest life may have humility and a servant heart. Community will help you see that, too. 

Same thing goes for men who are looking for quality women. Beauty is easy to swipe right on. Friends won’t let you overlook red-flags, and being in community together means you’ll see them for yourself. 

As I discussed in the previous post, a lot of men are frustrated that women aren’t picking them. I don’t doubt that men are overlooking quality women, too. One reason might be that we have loneliness issues and status-discerning issues. 

What do we do? Comment with your thoughts!