Moving is full of challenges, but often forgotten is the social upheaval that occurs when we leave friends and/or family behind. What do we do when we find ourselves alone in a new place?

We live in a highly mobile world. And I’m not referring to phones.

It’s us who are mobile. 

We commute to work, sometimes hours away. We move away for school, then move again for work, maybe multiple times, and maybe even across country borders if the money’s right. 

Historically, most humans stayed within 10 miles of where they were born. Even if this isn’t 100% accurate, the point stands: we now move around a lot more than our genes are used to. 

What we often don’t think about is that we’re moving away from social structures as well as geographical ones. Whenever we leave a place, while we may not lose “friendship” in a technical sense, we lose it in a practical one, and this is more significant than most people realize. This is especially true as we age since finding new friends can get harder.

Still, in our world, it’s sometimes a necessity to move further away than we’d like to, or than would be practical for our emotional well-being. So what can you do to help buffer against or fix the inevitable emotional/social fallout that comes with moving? 

Here are some do’s and don’ts. 

1. Don’t start romance yet. 

Most people want a companion, or at least the emotional connection that comes with it. And that’s especially true when we’re alone in a new place if we didn’t have someone coming with us. 

But is it wise to jump into romance, casual or serious, without a community behind you? 

I’m convinced the answer is no. 

I got this reality check from Dr. Henry Cloud (too little too late, unfortunately): a romance won’t help your loneliness; it will simply highlight it. 

If you’re alone, you’ll feel it all the more as you connect with someone on a romantic level, particularly if that someone is healthy. You’ll wonder why they don’t need you as much as you need them, which may only add to a sense of insecurity. You’ll be as blind as anyone to the relationship’s flaws; you’ll stay longer with something you don’t want or isn’t good for you, and you won’t have a community to fall back on. 

Having a community will yield friends to fall back on, to help call you out on your blind spots, and to help you see unhealthy patterns. It will also give you a sense of strength when you need to make difficult relational decisions, since you won’t be totally alone without the person, and therefore feel more able to risk losing them for the right reasons. 

If you meet someone who it’s working well with, don’t worry: something can still happen, just not right away. 

2. Don’t force relationships. 

My life changed in Guelph when I found friends who I could deeply connect with. Eventually, I got super lucky, and my soon-to-be best friend just moved into the place I was staying. 

Don’t feel the need to befriend anyone and everyone. All people deserve your respect and kindness, but not everyone deserves your time like a friend you enjoy and who enjoys you. 

3. Drop your expectations. 

“Expectation is the father of resentment.”

People don’t owe you anything, and real friendship isn’t built on obligation. If friendships feel one-sided, it may be because you have more time or space on your hands. I often felt this way at times, but I had to realize that I was entering into a new place where people had lives and full schedules. I had work, but no real social network, no weekly hangouts with friends, no family, etc. 

Friendships may feel one-sided because your expectations exceed theirs right now. 

It’s worth noting that more extroverted and will reach out more… maybe that’s you. Others need more downtime and find reaching out more draining, or they have lower needs for connecting. 

Remember, nothing and no one is making you do more connecting or reaching out. If a friendship is one-sided or you genuinely feel like it’s not what you’d like, you don’t have to keep forcing it. 

4. Consider a weekly social event. 

Historically, this was church or whatever religious obligation we had. One benefit of a weekly event is that it creates bonding experiences and facilitates time together. Time together builds a history. History builds connection and trust. 

5. Use hobbies to relax and meet people. 

Most people think of hobbies as something fun, but they’re useful as well. 

Hobbies are a great way to try new things, meet new people, and add weekly socialization or even just structure and routine to your life.

Whether a hobby like weekly sports becomes your #4 or #2 (above) or just a way to have fun, it’s important to have fulfilling leisure time. Humans are playful creatures, and we build bonds through activity together (especially men). 

6. Practice patience. 

Unfortunately, it’s unlikely you’ll find all your new besties in a few weeks. Relationships and deeper connections take time, especially as we get older. 

Don’t rush or force it – that’s not friendship. Find a way to cope with the loneliness you may be experiencing; maybe finding a counsellor could help you work through some of these things or develop strategies. 

Remind yourself that your time and energy will pay off. 

7. Stay in touch with old friends and family. 

Thankfully, though we’re “mobile” in geography, our communications are mobile too. 

While you’ll naturally shift social circles, it’s never a bad idea to keep in touch with those you’ve moved away from, especially if they’re “keepers”, so to speak. Family, best friends… these aren’t exactly a dime a dozen. Hold on to them, especially in this season of re-connection. 

You may have to decide who you want to prioritize continuing to invest in, since you only have so much time and energy. Don’t feel bad about that; it’s a necessary decision. 

8. Get in touch with yourself. 

This might sound cheesy, but now’s the time to try some inner work. 

Who am I? What do I need? Who do I want to be, or how do I want to evolve in this new place, in this new season? What’s next for me, in the emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical domains? 

You may have some extra time right now, or at least an opportunity to take some time before your social commitments ramp up. Why not spend it discovering something about yourself, trying a new hobby on for size, or just having some fun? 

Before moving to Guelph, I had an opportunity to go back to my hometown in Hamilton. If I was honest at the time, that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted familiarity and I wanted to be near the people I knew and loved. Maybe in some ways that would have been the healthier choice. 

But someone pointed something out to me that stuck, and ended up heavily influencing my decision: 

An old place might mean sliding back into all your old ways; it could mean stagnation or even backsliding. 

A new place with new people brings endless opportunities for change and transformation. 

Be excited about that! Take advantage of it. 

Plan now, and start building the rest of your life with the freshness of new places and new people.