The first few times I heard “self-care” it was in reference to things like bubble baths and red wine.
Yeah… not really my thing.
The popular talk around self-care often feels effeminate, even though most of us would agree in theory that self-care is good – even necessary.
But let’s be honest, gents. We’re not always the best at sharpening the saw and staying on top of things.
So how should men think of self-care, and how should we do it?
Here are some counter-intuitive, manly self-care considerations.
1. Do Hard Things.
You heard me.
Doing hard things strengthens you, builds resilience, and makes you more stress tolerant. In my opinion, this should be the cornerstone of self-care.
In the words of Connor McGregor, “the more uncomfortable I make myself, the more comfortable I will be.”
2. Bromance.
Hang out with the boys.
If you don’t have the boys, find ‘em and make it happen.
Friendships build resilience and cultivate inner psychological security that prepares us to take on the troubles of the world. Deep down, we know we have support if we fall or if life punches us in the gut. Plus, it feels good to be useful, and having close friends who we can challenge, encourage and help builds our own self-worth.
3. Exercise.
I know you’re waiting for the part where I tell you to “rest.” But why not start to see things like exercise as something you “get” to do rather than “have” to do?
While I still struggle to start a workout sometimes, more often than not I love how I feel both during and after. Besides this, the best kinds of rest usually come when you’re actually exerting yourself.
We all know the feeling of a good sleep after a particularly active day.
Another thing to remember is that working out and making progress improves how you feel about your abilities. Psychologists call this “self-efficacy” and it’s associated with better mental health.
For fun, promise yourself a nice post-workout meal, protein bar or shake that you can always look forward to. Maybe that’ll prime your psychology to love the hard labour. Finally, look forward to that visual goal of how you want to look! Give yourself something to shoot for (just don’t expect perfection or shame yourself to get there).
4. Compliment Yourself.
(OR: Positive Self-Talk)
A lot of men were taught to shame themselves. Maybe it was the world around them: you should look like this, act like this, get this many women, etc.
To hell with all that shouldy language (pun intended).
What do you love about yourself? What are your strengths? Make sure they’re real; you can’t BS yourself here.
Remind yourself everyday of what you have to contribute to the world – or, simply, what you like about yourself.
If you’re not sure what there is to like, spend extra time on #5:
5. Understand Yourself.
Learning about yourself ain’t always fun, since we’ve all got lots of ugly we’d rather not see.
But that’s part of the point: we all suck in many ways, so might as well own our weaknesses and capitalize on our strengths.
[HINT: Knowing your strengths will also help you with positive self-talk, i.e. #4]
I’ve got some posts on how to work with your personality based on the scientific Big Five Inventory. Check them out!
6. Tell People What You Want/Need.
Some think that being a man means not needing anything.
While there’s value in independence, it’s foolish to think you aren’t an emotional creature, and it’s childish to expect others to know what you want/need.
If you want more sex in your relationship, ask your partner. If you want your friend to stop teasing you about a certain issue, tell them. You might not always get what you want, but at least you’ll be being honest with others.
7. Unplug.
AKA: Take time off social media, YouTube, and video games.
Once again, the common mindset around self-care often suggests indulgence in order to feel better. This is not the way to better health.
Especially if you’re an addictive personality or easily overstimulated, all those screens can have a real negative impact on mood or lifestyle. Pornography is a big culprit here, too, and has been shown to affect testosterone levels.
Watching porn? Say goodbye to those gains.
Excess of any of these things just isn’t good for you. Take time away, and control your daily use in order to keep energy levels high and mood stable.
8. Develop Fun, Low-Dopamine Hobbies.
This one’s kind of 7b.
Instead of hopping on YouTube for your breaks or watching TV every night after work, cultivate some off-screen habits.
For me, reading is one of those. I’ve made a rule on certain days of the week that I have to read at least 10 pages of non-fiction before I play a game or otherwise use a screen to relax. It’s not much, but it’s a start. Then, I usually finish each day with some light fiction.
Not everyone loves reading, but building these less overstimulating habits can help us control our dopamine levels and moods.
I’m sure this list could expand. Hit me up on Twitter or comment below: What are your manly self-care hacks?
