Succeeding as an introvert might mean developing your extroverted side and capitalizing on the strengths your introversion brings you.
I’ve struggled with appreciating the fact that I’m introverted. It just feels like so much of life and relationships are an uphill battle since outgoingness and sociability don’t come naturally.
How can you make friends later in life? It can be tough for introverts when so much of life is social: you have to be able to do interviews, network, spend time with your kids… you have to be able to have fun in “extraverted” ways. The list goes on.
From a young age, I learned to socialize and put on my social energy. Thanks to a pretty serious Christian campus ministry, I learned to approach strangers and talk about… well, the very things you’re not supposed to talk about. I had to lead small groups, emcee events, speak publicly to teach, network with other groups, recruit for our own, and even spearhead the club as its president.
I eventually joined this ministry as a staff and had to fundraise my own salary. All of a sudden, I’m a salesman (of sorts).
If that’s not a good training ground for social skills, I don’t know what is.
It never changed my introverted disposition, though. I’m still more of a reader, fly-on-the-wall, strong silent type. I’ll never be the card-carrying extrovert, and I don’t want to be.
Still… psychological maturity is necessary if you want a healthy, productive life. Let’s talk about how to develop the extrovert within, while respecting the introvert at your core.
1. Watch and Learn
Socializing, warmth, and connecting… these are skills at the end of the day. Skills require practice and, even more basic than that, knowing just what the heck to do.
This is why some people are just easier to be around. They know how to shoot the breeze, and they know what to say and when to say it.
Fascinating research has confirmed that humans are incredible at learning from each other – almost to a fault (something called “over imitation”).
If you’re lacking in social skills, hang out with those people who are not so lacking, and learn from them. Don’t become a carbon copy, but try and pick up what you can. Maybe go deeper: what makes your friend/model so good at what they do? Are they relaxed? Maybe you need to work on your social anxiety and find ways to relax your body.
Figure out what is needed and work your way to it, baby steps.
Even if you don’t have friends who are particularly savvy in the social domain, find a way to put yourself in social environments and watch others.
Then… imitate.
2. Practice, Practice, Practice.
There’s no way around this, ever. If you hope to get better at something, more confident and relaxed while you do it, you have to put in the practice.
A few things to keep in mind here.
Practice Focusing on Others (Not Yourself)
Focusing on yourself in social situations will make you more anxious and, ironically, more awkward.
Practice even when you think people are judging you. People think less about you than you think they do, so don’t even waste your time and energy. Instead, cultivate a growth mindset and try to be better than you were yesterday.
Did your delivery fail on that joke? Alright, maybe rethink it and try again in a new environment.
Are connections just not happening? Don’t give up; these things take time.
Discomfort is your friend. If you are introverted, building your extroverted skillset will require the discomfort of acting against your norms. That’ll mean being assertive when you want to be laid back, or being enthusiastic when you feel like being even-keeled.
This means failing forward, and it will be uncomfortable… but worth it.
I’ve found this YouTube channel really helpful for working on your personal charisma, and they have a few videos focus specifically on introverts. Give them a watch and see what you can do.
Practice on Yourself
They say talking to oneself is a sign of intelligence. That may or may not be true, but it’s definitely helped me improve my ability to articulate effectively.
Get your reps in the low-risk environment of your own home.
Practice With a Smile on Your Face
Smiling more with open, relaxed body language is going to help everyone chill. So even when you end up saying something stupid or not saying anything at all when maybe you should have, at least people will feel like you’re pleasant enough. More than likely, they’ll continue the conversation and help you out.
3. Manage Your Social Energy
Skills are just one side of the personality coin.
Using said skills – the ones that do not sit in your personality toolkit already – takes energy. If you want to see progress, you’ll want to both manage your energy and increase your stores of it.
Allow me a fitness analogy.
When training, our muscles adapt to the movements that we put them through. Some people build exclusively for strength. They lift heavy weights, usually just a few repetitions at a slow tempo.
Others lift lighter for longer, or they train their cardiovascular system to be able to sustain long runs, swims, bikes, etc. This is called endurance training, and it allows us to sustain efforts for longer periods of time.
The point is, you have to train specifically for how you wish to grow, and you have to do it with baby-step improvements.
Our cognitive and emotional energy wanes faster when we aren’t in our element. For introverts, while people can be energizing in some ways, having to sustain enthusiasm and assertiveness in social situations can be especially tiring. But much like our muscular or cardiovascular endurance, this energy can be managed and improved.
It’s not glamorous, but it’s necessary.
It might be helpful to recognize those moments when you’re getting tired. How long can you last? What people/situations are especially tiring?
These questions may help you understand your limits and then plan accordingly.
From experience, I don’t recommend pushing those limits too much too often, since that will eventually burn you out and be counterproductive.
Here are a few bonus tips to better manage your social energy:
- Take breaks at social gatherings. Hide out in a washroom or take a quick outdoor escape.
- Avoid especially stimulating activities like pornography, video games, or social media scrolling, particularly when you know you’ll need higher energy reserves.
- Focus on the people and situations that you truly believe are worth your time and that you drain your reserves less.
- Consider your physical health: slowly absorbed calories (i.e. not sugar) and regular exercise will help you maintain energy levels. Strong body, strong mind!
Honestly, everybody’s different… so take notes and adjust accordingly.
May your self-awareness lead to self-mastery!
Keep thinking.
