Is being a lone wolf all it’s cracked up to be?
They’re independent, strong, and have control over their lives with few others around to take up their time.
Some like the stoic aura that the archetype carries. Lone wolves are, well, like wolves. Sly, skilled, aggressive when they need to be, and badass. They keep their emotions to themselves, which draws us into their mystery.
Whatever the reasons, people like the Lone Wolf archetype, and it shows up repetitively in works of fiction.
Archetypes Will Be Archetypes
But is being a Lone Wolf actually a good thing?
Are they indeed strong, courageous, and independent? Or are they emotional cowards, hiding behind personal defences and too inhibited to connect with others?
First, let’s establish what the Lone Wolf is: it’s an archetype. That is to say, it’s an idea or motif that typifies a set of behaviours or traits. Most of us know by intuition what they’re like, but the name gives it away: independent, keeps to themselves, works alone (“lone”), but also has an edge or hardness to them (“wolf”).
Like most archetypes, that’s pretty low resolution. It isn’t a fleshed-out human being, and that’s the point: it’s about those traits we find appealing and interesting, what we ourselves might like to imitate since they could be useful or even powerful.
But like most archetypes, there are limitations and pitfalls to watch for.
Wolf Ugly
I saw an AI-generated video romanticizing the Lone Wolf. Betrayals of various kinds plague their past and have led them down a solitary road. They have small circles and a low tolerance for fools.
The AI voice of Dr. Jordan Peterson praised these lone wolves as strong, hard, and invulnerable. They keep a small social circle, and embrace firm stoicism.
This would sound appealing to many, especially those who’ve been hurt or who don’t care for social interaction.
But faux Jordan Peterson goes too far.
No vulnerability and a small social circle aren’t things to be praised; in fact, they may be a sign of weakness.
Becoming hardened and untrusting towards outsiders is natural when you’ve been hurt. Gullibility is not a virtue. Trust should always be earned to some degree.
But trust is also a necessary risk, and it’s one we must learn to take even when we are hurt. Moreover, it is a sign of strength to trust when you’ve had trust broken in the past.
Never thought I’d quote Keanu Reeves on this blog, but this one catches the idea:
If you’ve been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, then you’re a badass with the heart of an angel.
This balance is how we avoid the Lone Wolf pitfalls. People have hurt you, but you have grown bigger than the hurt: you can still love and care for others.
True Strength is Tough and Tender
True strength is like malleable but firm metal. It holds its shape but can bend and morph when it has to. Such metals, like gold, are known as “soft” and yet it is their softness – their ability to be changed while still holding shape – that makes them so useful.
Hard metals can be brittle, meaning that rather than hold together under pressure, they break.
Healthy psychological strength requires a malleability of the psyche. You must hold together while adapting. You need to take the “slings and arrows” of life without becoming embittered, crusty, irritable, and dead inside. This is what it means to be both tough and tender.
Tough: you’ve learned your lesson and won’t let anyone hurt you easily. Your proverbial skin is thicker.
Tender: you trust those who’ve earned it and show compassion on those in need. You forgive even if you don’t forget.
Instead, you forgive, overcome, and adjust, and learn to trust again… hopefully, while minimizing risk of being hurt again.
5 Ways to Build Trust (Safely)
The old “strength in numbers” adage has tremendous psychological merit. The more connected you are, the safer you are (and feel) and the more relaxed and happy you will be. Plus, people are great resources to have in a pinch.
When we’ve been hurt, disconnection can feel like the safe path. It’s important to know that while disconnecting from certain people may be safe, you won’t have much of a life (and will miss out on the real safety from a strong social network) if you don’t connect with others.
But how do we build trust effectively (and safely) after we’ve been hurt?
EMBRACE CALCULATED RISK
First, we have to know what happened in order to ensure it doesn’t happen again (or to at least minimize the chances).
Answer the following questions until you’re satisfied with the answers:
- How did you get hurt before?
- What are the signs to watch for? I.e. what signs did I miss last time?
- What boundaries will I establish? What behaviours, etc. will I not tolerate?
Inevitably, connection comes with risk. People can leave, betray, make mistakes… etc. Humans are flawed, after all.
You’ve answered the questions above, so you know how to calculate risk now. You have an idea the behaviours or other signs that are a no for you. When things seem relatively safe, you can begin to build. When you see the red flags, you can go on alert, and if need be, end the relationship.
Likely, you’ll feel afraid of connecting with someone again, especially if betrayal is recent and real. But just like getting over fear of anything, you’ll need some exposure. The key is baby steps and, once again, calculation. Don’t trust just anybody, and don’t trust anybody all at once.
If you’ve been hurt in romance, for example, don’t jump right into another relationship. Start with lower-risk relationships – family, old friends, those with whom you share hobbies or work environments.
BUILD TRUST, SLOWLY
This subtitle is a bit misleading. You can only build trust slowly. The point here is: do it. Do things that build trust.
Ultimately trust grows when someone becomes more predictable (and predictably safe) to you. Our nervous systems learn that I won’t get hurt around this person, and/or that they will be reliable in some way(s).
The main way to “learn” that someone is trustworthy is to spend time with them. Do things with them, build something with them, and share food with them.
BE YOURSELF AS BEST YOU CAN
A funny thing happens as you spend time with people: you eventually start acting like yourself.
That’s not always easy; sometimes it depends on who you’re around. Some folks you just won’t naturally bond with, and that’s okay. With others, it’ll come much easier. That doesn’t mean they’re necessarily healthy and worthy of your trust. But it’s a start.
The key is to minimize the “masking” that you do. This is no small feat, and to flesh this one out could take an entire post itself, or more. So stick with the principles we’ve already been working on: start small, and build from there. Notice the ways you suppress your own desires (it often feels literally like pressure building in your chest). Notice the times you hold back a laugh or a knee-jerk reaction, and try to understand what’s happening there. What are you trying to hide?
Why not use the Lone Wolf archetype here? Care less about what people think. Risk pissing people off, within reason.
Sometimes it’s smart to hold back – other times, you’re simply hiding yourself for the sake of another or of your reputation.
But we can’t build true friendships if we’re constantly pretending. So find those folks you can be yourself around, and with the others, try to be yourself just a little more.
You may be surprised at how positive the reaction is!
BE PICKY
Whether it’s work, romance, or friendship, not all humans are made the same. Perhaps a better way of saying that is that square pegs don’t fit in round holes.
Some people fit the role better than others. Some will make a better mate for you, some will make better co-workers, others better friends… some will simply not.
You do not need to trust everyone in the same exact way; you do not need to force relationships; you will not want to be friends with every person you encounter; and some people frankly just don’t deserve your trust.
Again, embrace the Lone Wolf stuff here. Say no to the relationships that aren’t for you.
Be picky. Be watchful: use those pre-established red flags and boundaries to protect yourself.
FORGIVE
I saved this one for last since it’s always important to follow up the “deal breakers” and “red flags” with this very important principle.
Forgiveness is vital. No long-term relationships survive without it.
Humans are humans. Even the most trustworthy will fail you, or will hurt you, or will have to leave you because of some other priority or life event.
That’s where we return to the malleability principle from above. If you’ve been hurt, you can learn to trust again. You have the choice of being stronger than ever, able to love and risk connecting with other humans again – or of being brittle and insecure.
Folks who don’t truly forgive and let go end up with a chip on their shoulder, an embittered soul that never really connects again.
I’ve known some of these people. It’s like if you did one thing wrong to affront them, you were cast out like a leper. You were done. There was no real acceptance of failure or wrongdoing.
Imagine being a child growing up with a parent like that? One that you always had to walk on eggshells around, one whose love you always had to keep earning, only to lose it the next time you made a mistake.
That’s no way to live. It’s no way to feel safe, and it definitely isn’t trust.
To trust, you need to forgive those from your past and present, to allow space for their humanity and imperfections, even the parts of their heart that are dark or rebellious, and recognize that they are truly no different, no better or worse, than you.
Humans are busted, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be trusted.
Hope that rhyme didn’t kill the mood too much.
Keep trusting friends,
Corey
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