In this recent mini-series, I’ve been dwelling a lot on the negative. A friend said my first post made her sad. Can’t blame her!
She and I had talked about dating from a Christian angle before, and she suggested I talk about how Jesus gives hope to dating.
I’ll do that, but I want to look more broadly about what might give us hope – Christians or not.
I’ll also say that this isn’t advice, and want to acknowledge that I speak from a position of brokenness. I confess that I’ve been a contributor to the broken dating culture we live in, in some ways. So this is not meant to be a post of “I know better, so you should listen.” Just the thoughts of one broken man to broken readers.
Nothing is sacred anymore
When Nietzsche declared “God is dead” he did not suggest it was a good thing. Like a prophet, he foresaw that the secularization of society was going to be its undoing.
The death of God meant the degradation of the social fabric. Here’s the full statement:
“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?”
Nietzsche wasn’t saying that people couldn’t be good without God. But he saw that, inevitably, the definition of “good” would become perilously moldable and subjective.
It seems he was right.
For a long time – maybe as long as human history – we’ve assumed that the human person is inherently valuable, even divine. The American Constitution declared as much – all men are created equal with inalienable rights.
The question of human value permeates all of the hot-button issues. Black Lives Matter. LGBTQ+ concerns. At the heart of each social issue, there is a craving for the proper respect of the human individual.
The problem? We did away with this inherent value when we did away with the sacred. The Founding Fathers of America had two thousand years of Judeo-Christian foundations that influenced their thinking, even if not all of them were Christians, strictly speaking. Today, and perhaps slowly for the last three hundred years, we’ve chipped away at that Christian foundation and its moral assumptions. Maybe not consciously, but we’ve done it anyway.
One of the inevitable outcomes was the sexual revolution several decades ago. If you and I aren’t sacred, if there’s nothing divine in sex and no moral absolutes to worry about, why not have sex with whoever you want?
Ironically, many of the same folks who want all men to be treated equally don’t want to have anything to do with sacredness or God, at least not when it comes to sex or sexuality. We want human life to be treated with inherent value… but not when it’s inconvenient for our supposed sexual freedom.
It’s a simple case of wanting to have our cake and eat it too.
If you want a healthier dating culture, better relationships, and greater happiness in those relationships, priority number one is the re-sacralizing of the human person and, perhaps by extension, of the sexual union itself.
A sacred view of you
In the Old Testament, you received capital punishment for murder. But they didn’t kill you because you were a menace to society – they killed you because you violated what the Hebrew Bible authors called the image of God.
It’s a classic doctrine, evident in the early pages of Genesis. Theologians have debated the idea for a long time, but one thing seems clear: each human bears the image of God, and this image means that each person is inherently valuable.
Some say that you have to first love yourself before you can love someone else. Maybe that’s true. See your own value and treat yourself that way, and maybe you’ll see – perhaps even understand – the true value of others.
But what if it’s more than just seeing yourself that way? What if it’s believing that there’s actually divine value in every person, yourself included?
For that you probably need more than a vague spiritual belief in a higher power. Trust me, you’ll ditch that idea the moment it’s inconvenient.
This is one reason that I (even though it’s often inconvenient for me), still hold to and fight for a firm religious belief. One that’s articulated, clear, and an active part of life (COVID restrictions aside). One that means, whether I like it or not, I should be treating myself and others like they matter… and therefore shouldn’t take relationships or sex lightly.
In my mind, Christianity gives a particularly beautiful picture and vision of marriage. Sacrificial love, modeled after God’s own character and actions. The Bible gives a lot of wisdom around marriage, sex and sexuality. But it also gives the rational justification for this inherent, sacred human value.
A sacred view of sex
A sacred view of the human person seems to flow logically into a sacred view of the sex act since it is so deeply intimate and powerful.
R.C. Sproul, a late Christian pastor, helped me understand the idea of sacredness (or holiness, which is probably the same idea). I’ll paraphrase what I remember reading: We all understand the idea of sacredness. We know some things should not be touched. That we shouldn’t say certain things in certain places. An understanding of holiness is in our DNA.
Set apart, treated with great care or special esteem. Around something holy, you get that feeling like you need to be very careful, even fearful. You don’t want to ruin it, make a mess of it, or mistreat it (or them).
If a human being is sacred, bears the image of God, is inherently valuable, or whatever language you want to use, then surely the human-making act that involves two humans in their most vulnerable state is also something pretty close. Even on its own, sex is powerful.
Yet today, sex is less and less treated like something special.
I’ve heard it joked that in Scandinavia sex is like shaking hands. It’s not a whole lot different in most Western nations. Sex is just something you have. It’s fun. It doesn’t have to be meaningful. In fact, sometimes it’s better not to make it too meaningful. It’s just sex. That’s the vibe I’m getting from most of our world. And I’m not blaming anybody. Why wouldn’t you want sex to just be something fun? It is fun, presumably, and so when the sexual revolution says “have sex with whoever you want!” why wouldn’t I want to be on board with that? Who wants limits to their fun?
But limitations are necessary. True freedom is not being able to do whatever you want – that never works out for anybody. True freedom is being able to find the right boundaries that are healthy and keep you from doing stupid things. That’s one of the reasons why marriage is everywhere in human society. Why else would it be so prevalent?
Oppression, some argue. I’d beg to differ, though surely it can be used as such. But something doesn’t stick around so long without good reason.
But half of marriages end in divorce! others say. I can’t help but wonder if divorce rates are our problem, not marriage’s problem. Maybe dropping our values made us entitled. Maybe if we stuck it out in relationships more we’d end up happier? That’s the wisdom my mom gives to people. Stick it out, it gets better.
I understand our skepticism. I just think that there are better answers.
I think a sacred view of sex would lead us to wait and commit. Committed in a concrete way, in front of people who will hold us accountable to that commitment. Sacred sex would mean that we leave it for something like, well, marriage.
If we see sex as valuable, powerful, and even dangerous (in a good but “be careful” sort of way), maybe we’d find greater happiness in the long run.
Religious Undertones
A sacred view of both people and sex would mean the decline of swipe culture, of hookups, of unrealistic expectations, of selfish-dating and -marrying, and of the loneliness and hurt that follow from the split of a sacred union that should last.
Or would it?
As I began, so I’ll end. As a Christian, I believe we’re all broken and, in this life, always will be. Even all the above good things and belief-changes would only go so far if that’s the case. In my view, only Jesus provides what we really need – and even that, full deliverance doesn’t come till he comes back. But here are two reasons I’d say Jesus matters here and now for dating. There are probably more!
Jesus and the Bible give rational justification and very powerful spiritual reason to believe in and act on the sacredness of the human individual and sexuality.
Once again, you don’t need to have this rational justification to live differently or even change a culture. But, as Nietzsche and several of his contemporaries pointed out and we have witnessed, the loss of this rational justification led inevitably to a changed moral foundation and landscape. And without a foundation (even with it sometimes!), shallow beliefs are easily tossed out when you crave a booty call.
Jesus meets and loves even those who have treated sex or other humans without dignity or value. And that means all of us.
I’ll end with this, because I don’t want anyone to think a moral ideal means judgment or condemnation. I’m the chief hypocrite in this whole discussion, as are many Christians. The message of Jesus challenges us to change our ways, yes, but at its core grace is offered to those who will receive it. Grace, not condemnation. Acceptance in spite of our ways, not rejection because of them.
Grace to you and to your dating life, friends!
This post is part of a series. Click below to read the other articles!
How our disconnected culture affects your dating life
Are men trash? Honest thoughts on modern dating
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