“A lot of men are trash… I’m here to help you,” said Tomi Lahren. Reading between the lines, I’m guessing her and her friends are fed up with their dating lives. She went on to say as much.

If nothing else, she has me thinking. For several reasons, I can’t simply write her words off. 

For one, I am a man. I know my flaws and tendencies, and I know I’ve hurt women before. I know I can be trash, or that I could be trash if my circumstances were different. 

Second, I see many problems in our current cultural mindset that, in my opinion, all but guarantee low-quality behaviour, especially when it comes to sex and relationships. Let’s unpack these ideas a bit, and try to offer nuance to Ms. Lahren’s comments. 

Villains are not born

If there’s one thing brilliant about stories like Joker or Breaking Bad, it is their insight into male psychology. A man can only be held down so much before he snaps (not always in extreme ways). Stack the cards against him – say with an unfair sexual landscape where a few men get all of the women – and he may be willing to change the rules… or not play the game at all. Enter INCEL and a lot of sexually frustrated men. 

It’s easy to write these men off, but hold off judgment for a sec. If we as a society continue to embrace things that leave a lot of men out to dry in unfair systems and hierarchies (or any significant relative inequity), we shouldn’t be surprised when we see bitterness, insecurity, and even violence. 

The sexual revolution has led to an increasingly imbalanced sexual culture. Not only are we non-monogamous, but we are entitled. Women, the sexual selectors in human relationships, are increasingly picky (disclaimer: not always a bad thing). This is a problem for men who aren’t on the top of the world’s hierarchies, and with less sexual commitment, a recipe for disaster. In the end, a few men get most of the women and the majority of the men get overlooked. 

I think monogamy is a (the?) solution. Sure, high-status men will tend to have more options, in a sense, as will beautiful women. But if cultural pressures (or women themselves) push us towards committed relationships, we’ll all be more realistic and can pursue contentment with our own mates. Less entitlement, more commitment… more real love. That means more men and women have healthy sexual partnerships and, in the end, happier lives.

All that to say, trash behaviour is not the lone fault of an individual. Our society sets up structures – legal, economic, and even sexual – and people inevitably get hurt by said structures. While they are ultimately held responsible for their own actions, we too hold responsibility for our involvement in the system that cultivates bad fruit with bad soil. 

Funny enough, women end up paying a high price too. 

Options for few means options for none

Take for example a common occurrence in our dating scene today. Women will tend to hold out for the highest status men. Why not? It’s not like there’s pressure to look for a long-term partner now – let alone settle – while you’re so young and have so much potential. Why not have fun now and settle down later? And even if you’re looking for a long-term partner, it’s easy enough to convince yourself (or be convinced) that sex could lead to the long term thing… even though it probably won’t. 

Interestingly, on campuses with higher female to male ratio, there are tendencies towards hook-up culture. Women, who do tend to prefer committed sexual relationships, lose their buying power, so to speak, and men (or at least certain men) have more options, opting to play the field instead of committing. From a sexual selection perspective, it’s understandable. Perhaps swipe culture (seeing a whole bunch of women as options on a dating app like Tinder) has caused a similar phenomenon on a broader scale. Sure looks like there are a lot of options here on Tinder! Maybe I’ll just look for casual sex. Surely someone will sleep with me.  (Fun fact: Women report 85% of men as ‘below average’ attractiveness on dating apps)

When it comes to the higher status men I’ve mentioned (the ones who seem to get – and take – all the options in certain arenas) I can’t help but wonder if our sexually open culture is compounding the problem. The women go for the high-status men without requiring commitment like marriage, probably hoping that sex will lead to commitment. But the men see that they have options, and so play the field. The average Joes meanwhile get hung out to dry, as they watch most women hold out to win the high-status males. What’s more, the promises of the sexual revolution make things worse. They were promised sexual freedom, but there’s no freedom here. 

Fast forward a few years. Those men who weren’t getting the women? They’re doing a bit better now. They’ve got good jobs. They’ve learned how to dress themselves. Women start to notice. 

Once again, the cultural pressures to be monogamous is quite low. So when these men find themselves finally with options, there’s no real reason to pick just one. For that matter, there’s no real reason to stick with women his age, since younger and more fertile women are showing them attention too. The ladies who are his age, who rejected him 5-10 years ago but are now looking to settle down? Why be with them? Even if he sleeps with them, why would he bother committing to them emotionally? 

(Note: I think there are good answers as to why he might still do so. But again, if you’re bitter or buy into the sexual revolution, there are plenty of reasons to not be)

So women are also hurt by this pattern, even if they play their part in it. 

Monogamy is dead, and we have killed it

I’m not saying any of this is good – it’s not – but it’s a natural outworking of a society that’s losing its respect for monogamy. It’s a logical conclusion of a people who think themselves entitled to sleep with whoever they want and think that sex is a casual commodity no more socially significant than a Netflix subscription. 

I believe Tomi Lahren and her friends are experiencing some of this trashiness. And it is trash, for lack of a better word. Any man who plays his part in it – the high-status young men at Universities who sleep around, for example – are hurting the women they sleep with as well as their fellow man. 

But what did we expect? That everyone would have a whole lot of fun and no troubles when we threw out our ancient moral code? That God being dead, in Nietzsche’s own words, would have no consequences? That something so significant as sex would operate just fine desacralized? That we would all act “ethically” even if we are non-monogamous, not realizing the oxymoron?

If it’s not clear, I do think Ms. Lahren and co. could be contributing. She’s a beautiful woman, and one of high status. As such, she’ll have high standards. Not a bad thing. But is she writing off men for shallow reasons? It’s possible. Are men just trying to sleep with her, playing fake cards to do so? Also very possible. 

Hopefully, each of us can see how we contribute to our broken culture – whether it’s entitlement, unrealistic standards, gracelessness, bitterness, sexual or relational frivolity, or whatever. 

Sex is serious. Marriage is serious. Relationships and the hearts of people are not to be taken lightly – nor are their bodies. 

Where do we go from here? Feel free to leave a comment and share this post to further the conversation! For more of my thoughts on relationships, sign up here or check out the articles below.