Does therapy work? Can you actually solve problems just by talking to someone?

Recently someone (boldly, which I respect) asked me if you can really solve problems through talk therapy (i.e. “just talking with someone”). 

I didn’t have time to get into it, and I don’t like getting on any particular soapbox, so I kept it at something like, “I really believe so.” 

And honestly, the short answer is that yes, talking to someone can help you solve your issues. It’s part of why many of us have an instinct to talk with others when we have problems. The reasons are multifold, and even in some ways common sense if you think about it: 

1. It helps to externalize (i.e. speak out loud and thereby better understand) our emotions and experiences (instead of just letting them fester in our minds).
2. It helps to have someone listen, understand, and validate our emotions and experiences. 
3. It helps to have someone help us self-soothe/emotionally regulate, particularly if that person can give us insight into how to soothe
4. It helps to have someone point out blind spots or notice things that we may be overlooking
5. Some specific issues can quite literally heal via verbal/exteral processing (e.g. unprocessed trauma; very important that a professional does this). 

And of course, the scientific literature has supported talk therapy: some studies have shown it to be as or more effective with less side effects than medication, though this can depend on symptom type and severity. 

When Therapy Feels Pointless

That said, I don’t blame anyone for their skepticism. And after all, the long answer to the bold young lady’s question is indeed that it depends. 

Some of us are good enough and have healthy enough relationships such that we get all our needs met and never really fall into a deep enough pit that professional help is necessary. If this is you, therapy is far from essential, even if it could be helpful. 

It could be helpful if you’re looking for a kind of personal growth or evolution, or what you might call “mental health hygiene”. I have numerous clients that show up once a month (or even less). They’re thoughtful, reflective, and often intellectual types that always have something they’re hoping to grow in or evolve, and our back and forth is a helpful catalyst for this. Sometimes particular problems show up (old unwanted behaviours, minor anxious or depressive episodes) and the therapy helps facilitate that natural process, shortening it and helping ensure it’s productive. 

If you don’t relate to 1) looking for specific mental and emotional health help or; 2) looking for someone to help you through personal growth/mental health hygiene, then it’s likely therapy isn’t for you, at least not right now. You’ll perpetually feel like therapy is pointless. 

Pro-Tip: If you’re experiencing some kind of symptoms but you don’t know exactly what they are or where they’re coming from, a good therapist could help you figure out the root of your problems and, thereby, what to do about them. 

Pro-Tip: A general goal of “I want to grow, mature, etc.” is still a goal, and one thing a good therapist should be able to help you do is construct and define your goals. 

Are you invested? 

Do you believe therapy can help or are you just trying cuz it seems to be a thing? Are you willing to do the work (and some homework)? 

Evidence shows that a collaborative relationship is key to therapy. Moreover, plain and simple, while therapy can help solve your problems, it won’t fix them for you.

Ask yourself the question: Am I willing to bring this therapy home? Am I willing to be consistent in showing up for at least 4-8 weeks in order to make progress? 

Is this therapist the right one for you? 

And now we come to the big question: is this therapist the right one for you?

One thing that becomes clear in the scientific literature is that the therapeutic relationship is the key to success. 

What makes a proper therapeutic relationship? That question deserves its own post, or even its own book, but I’ll try and scratch the surface. 

One factor is what is often called the fit. Do the two of you gel? Do they have the right insight to your issues, or are they equipped with the therapeutic techniques or perspectives that will suit you and your problems? Or do they fit that archetype that just seems to be what you need right now? 

Sometimes the therapy technique or therapist experience/skill can make up for a less than ideal chemistry; other times, a good chemistry can make up for a less than perfect technique. But you have to have the right mix of both, and it’s ideal that both come together well. 

I’ve had a few clients where the chemistry was just right. It almost felt like we’d be friends if we had met in another context. It felt easy to talk to them, natural to support them as they processed, and the right words came effortlessly. That covers a lot of ground in therapy, particularly when the therapist knows how to manage reactions in a supportive, empathic way, and can resist doing the work for you. Add to that some insight I was able to give on the psychological front, minimally but enough to help them in the right direction, and the recipe was one of success. 

On the other hand, I’ve had some come into my office where even though I had the right techniques (theoretically), and even had good grasp on their condition, the relationship itself just wasn’t going to work long term. Most of these folks I was able to help still, but said help was hindered by the fact that, while not realized right away, we probably weren’t going to succeed in furthering their personal development very far as the chemistry hurdles were just too much. 

When I first went to therapy for anxiety and depression, I just went to the person who was recommended to me. I got lucky; it worked out. She was an older woman, calm and insightful, but also experienced in helping religious non-profit workers (might sound like a weird niche, but hey, whatever works). We had similar personalities to some degree, and I think something about an older woman who I respected helped challenge me in the right ways. Having her unconditional positive regard helped assuage some of my personal issues, which often stemmed from craving female approval. 

Soul Searching

The question of fit is sometimes hard to quantify, but I think most of us can relate to the idea at an intuitive level. I like to tell people to trust your gut on therapeutic relationships. If it doesn’t feel right, see if it works better with someone else. Just because therapy didn’t work with one person, doesn’t mean it won’t work with another. Moreover, if it feels like things are going well, if you like the chemistry, then consider sticking around even if you don’t achieve everything right away. Chemistry can be hard to find, but a good therapeutic relationship is just as if not more important than experience or expertise.

You might be seeing a therapist now and feeling really unsure if they’re quite the right fit, or if therapy is exactly what you need right now. 

There’s nothing wrong with that, and there’s nothing wrong with you just feeling like you need to move on. 

So can talking to someone really heal you? Does therapy work? Sure. Will it? 

Maybe. 

Ask around. Experiment. 

I hope you find what (or who) you’re looking for. 

Hit me up if you have specific questions.