From butterflies to panic attacks, anxiety rarely feels like a friend.
It makes you say dumb things when you want to be witty, choke when it’s time to be clutch, and curl up in a ball when life needs you to stand tall.
Many of us who’ve experienced any kind of crippling, life-sucking anxiety would sometimes wish that we’d never have to deal with it in the first place. It’s even normal to talk of anxiety as a problem that we have, as if it is, in and of itself, a disorder. It’s as though something is broken in me because I experience so basic a human emotion as fear.
But generally speaking, something doesn’t exist if it doesn’t have a function. What if you could learn to make anxiety work for you?
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Step 1: Ground
The temptation with anxiety is to problem solve in the moment; often, we try to logic our way out of a situation and its stress. But often, the mind can’t really handle the physiological response of anxiety. The phrase is true, in some sense: “Anxiety makes children of us all.” Our rational minds get hijacked, and all we can think about is surviving.
Step 1, then, is soothing the body and nervous system.
Some sort of grounding technique like breathing or mindfulness is needed here (I share one below). Excess physiological arousal can make it too difficult to appreciate or understand your anxiety. Add this to your toolkit first – then, when you start to do the work below, you’ll have that technique at the ready just in case things get out of hand.
Once you’ve got a grounding technique down, you can learn to explore your anxiety.
Let’s walk through a typical anxiety-onset scenario. Trigger warning! We won’t talk specifics, but your own specifics may come to mind. If you’re ready, read on.
Enter your trigger. Something that ignites the flame of anxiety. If you like, visualize the moment as it happens and follow along.
Often, we hyper-focus on the thing itself… the person, the impending doom. Fight or flight kicks in, and you’re on high alert. Your chest tightens and your breath quickens.
This time, respect the fear with a thoughtful attitude. Notice it – acknowledge it, perhaps even verbally. “It’s here – I am thinking about X, I am feeling anxious.”
Then, simply focus on your breathing. Breathe in through the nose, and fill your belly up with the breath – not your lungs, like you might think to do naturally, but your lower abdomen. If it helps, set your hand on your stomach while you breathe, pushing it out with the filling air.
Take your time breathing in – I recommend at least 7 seconds – and then slowly exhale, taking even longer than your inhale.
Then, repeat. Do so as long as you need, focusing on your breath and other bodily sensations that you notice.
This is what I do, but there are perfectly acceptable grounding exercises to experiment with should you prefer them: box breathing, body scans, progressive muscle relaxation, and more. Google is your friend.
The point is to find something that you can go to when your body goes into fight or flight in order to soothe yourself. Only once you have your physiology under control can you start to make anxiety work for you.
Step 2: Accept
Anxiety is a completely normal emotion, hardwired into your nervous system for one basic function: keeping danger at bay.
Way back, this danger might have been a tiger, a murderous psychopath, or a disease (still could be, I suppose). On the other hand, it could have meant (and still means today) anxiety over possible social failures or rejection.
Today, especially since our developed world can be so comfortable, we’ve become a little more sensitive to things that are probably much less life or death. This can lead to overreactions and otherwise cognitive distortions. In therapy, we sometimes call overreaction “catastrophization.” As the name implies, this means making something seem catastrophic when it probably isn’t.
HINT: It almost never is.
You say something dumb and everyone hears it. Normally, you’d laugh it off, get over it, and learn from the situation. But catastrophizing (whether you’re conscious of it or not) takes it next level:
They’ll think I’m an idiot. I’ll have no friends. I’ll be alone forever.
They’ll mock me behind my back. I’ll be a laughingstock.
When we really think about it, we know these things are unlikely. They’re worst-case scenarios.
Once we’ve calmed down (i.e. Step 1 above), we can be honest about the intrusive thoughts we get and/or the emotions we experience.
Before we do that, consider doing so with what an old counsellor of mine called “compassionate curiousity.” The tendency for some is to shake their head and call themselves an idiot.
Probably only makes things worse.
Instead, consider this a chance to reflect deeply on the meaning of what we just experienced without judgment. I.e., with compassion towards yourself, accept your situation and reflect on what’s happening around this anxiety.
Yeah, that thing I said didn’t get the laugh I wanted. Maybe I try a different delivery next time.
Oops, accidentally said something silly. But everyone will forget in T-minus 5 seconds anyway.
Again, the point here is accepting your situation and the anxiety that comes with it, and offering yourself compassionate curiosity so you can start to understand what is happening.
Step 3: Listen
Now that we’ve calmed things down and accepted things as they are, we may begin to reflect on the anxiety.
What triggered it? What is the source, and what is the meaning of this source to me?
Bring back that compassionate curiosity we started in Step 2. Avoid judgement of what’s happening (e.g. “good” or “bad” thoughts or emotions, etc.).
If you feel bold enough, or if your breathing/mindfulness have done the trick and your anxiety-response is more moderate, you could start this reflection as soon as a trigger comes. Otherwise, try and reflect as close to the triggering event as manageable. If things become too much, just return to Step 1 and ground. It may be that you need help from a professional to explore your symptoms.
For example:
I’m experiencing some anxiety. It was triggered by X. What about X scares me? Was there something that happened previously that has made me afraid of it? How did my family respond to this sort of thing? Is this something to genuinely avoid, or is this a fear I would benefit from facing?
A great example of a fear worth facing is social situations.
If you experience fear in social situations – especially where the stakes might be high! – you’re normal. But make no mistake: facing those fears will improve social skills and self-efficacy, build your social network, and diminish the fear you experience from such situations.
It will also give you more people to talk through your anxieties with. These folks are called friends. I recommend finding them!
As an aside, there may be times when the smart move is in fact avoiding something. It’s possible that some people or situations are dangerous… learn to discern these, and perhaps make some of those friends who can help you do so.
Step 4: Expose (If Appropriate)
Where you go with your anxiety lessons is ultimately situationally dependent. But one way or another, you should be trying to figure out one thing:
How can I adjust myself or my understanding of the world so that I am better equipped to face the challenges that lie ahead of me, whether that means avoiding something or facing it?
Because that is essentially the purpose of all negative emotions. It’s telling you what to avoid, yes, but it’s also forcing you to figure out how to overcome. Sometimes that means run. But it might also mean, avoid X or Y so that we never have to run again or, finally and most productively, next time, use strategy Z so that X can be defeated.
That last one is the true Hero’s Journey. Avoiding the dragon or surviving it is great; slaying it is true power and success.
But slaying the dragon requires facing the dragon. This, in a therapeutic enviornment, is called “exposure,” and it is used to diminish the power of anxiety triggers through desensitization. In common verbiage, exposure is to face your fears.
Let’s consider the dragon of romantic insecurity. Bear with me.
If you’ve ever been cheated on or otherwise hurt in romance, you might become insecure in future romantic relationships. We like someone, but getting close to them is too frightening. What if it happens again?
Anxiety, if it has its way, might keep you from ever experiencing closeness again. That’s avoidance, and probably an unhealthy kind.
If you’ve done the work of Step 3, you may learn to avoid the wrong types of people or behaviours – a healthy use of our anxieties.
Alternatively, you may face the anxiety of romance head on as a new person, evolved and matured in mindset and behaviour, so as to improve your chances at romantic fulfillment. As you do so, perhaps you even learn that romance, like all of life, is a learning experience and opportunity for growth.
This is exposure – facing your fears – and becoming stronger for it.
This is making anxiety work for you.
Hope this helps, friends.
Keep thinking. But not until after your breathing exercises ;)
