I Used to be a Miserable F*** has the potential to help men wake up and grow up – and grown men are something the world always needs. 

Yep, another book with an f-bomb in the title. 

I can feel the judgement coming.

Actually, Miserable F*** might just be an understatement for describing John Kim’s life only a decade ago. 

He crapped all over his marriage to a great girl, and the divorce broke him. But the break was exactly what he needed to wake up and, finally, grow up. 

A therapist’s heart

I love Kim’s honesty. He’s a therapist at heart (and in real life), and I benefited from his vulnerability. Apparently, I’m not the only one with issues. Good to know. 

He reminds us that there’s a lot of ugly in life, and hiding from it doesn’t help. When you see that ugly for what it is, it scares you into action.

Here’s a fun example. In one chapter, Kim manages to make “peeing in the shower” something of massive life significance.

Let’s get something straight. I never pee in the shower. 

But after reading that chapter, I’m on high-alert for the little ways I allow laziness or bad hygiene into my life. I am now terrified of peeing in the shower. Somewhere, my future wife is grateful. 

The lesson is that the little things matter; even marginal bad habits will stop you from growing up.

Ultimately, that’s John Kim’s heart: he wants men to grow up. He tries to masculinize therapy, which I appreciate. He doesn’t pull punches, nor does he use much fluffy or awkward language. It’s plain and simple. He really is trying to reach the “everyman,” and I think he does a good job. 

Shot glass therapy and a wake up call

All that said, I didn’t love Kim’s writing style. It’s jagged and jarring, and at times disorienting even though the book is laid out so simply. I recommend reading John Kim like his shot glass metaphor would suggest: one or two of the short, punchy chapters coupled with some reflection (what, you don’t meditate after shots?). If you’re a journal/prayer/meditation guy (or gal), do it, and think about something you can change that day. 

My other beef: sometimes the book feels like a list of dos and don’ts. Actually, that’s pretty much exactly what it is, and it’s intentional. Could just be my preference, but I wanted a more thoughtful treatment of life, love, and duty.

When he comes to those crossroads, Kim simply says you have to “find your own truth.” I hate how post-modern and cliche that sounds, but I get why he says it. He can’t tell you what your life is about, and as a therapist, he doesn’t want to. Still, it feels like he’s dodging something important. 

That said, I still feel a sense of meaning in reading Kim’s story and his transformation. It’s archetypal, and always beautiful, for a human being to hit rock bottom only to rise from the ashes. I’m inspired.

John Kim is helping me grow up. 

Would recommend. 

(In short bursts). 

Buy it here.