“Marriage is a traditional institution, and women today are not traditional.” Men, therefore, shouldn’t bother getting married. 

So the argument goes, according to the Fresh & Fit Guys, recent guests on Tim Pool’s podcast and hosts of their own. They focus on dating and lifestyle advice for men. For a variety of social and cultural reasons, they advise men to avoid marriage. 

They’re not alone. In recent years, an increasing number of men in industrialized nations have decided to forego long-term monogamous relationships. Marriage rates have been decreasing for decades, and movements of men have arisen in protest to the increasing standards and prevailing attitudes of women (feminists in particular) which they say are causing ruptures. 

I want to take a look at these movements and why they’ve arisen – but also why I think they’re wrong about marriage. 

First, let’s take a look at the problem as I see it. 

Sex Culture, Nice Guys and Broken Marriage

Birth control and the sexual revolution have completely altered Western sex and romance culture. People are more sexually open and less concerned with finding a lifelong mate, especially when they’re young. Lifelong monogamy is not as highly valued. 

When women began entering the workforce, this complicated things further. 

Women have always preferred economically superior men, generally speaking. By that I mean they prefer to “marry up.” There’s nothing really wrong with this, but it can create a few problems. 

Namely, it strains existing and would-be relationships and increases the competition among males as female standards increase. 

There’s a lot to unpack here, and it’s beyond the scope of this post to do so. Suffice it to say that the increased competition and lack of a safety net that a monogamous culture would normally provide has made marriage a riskier and riskier option for men. 

Enter MGTOW

This cultural moment has resulted in the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) movement. In a nutshell, this is a group of guys who have had enough of women rejecting them and have given up on relationships in general and marriage in particular. Casual sex, maybe. Commitment? No way. 

The MGTOW movement makes valid points. Women today are untraditional, and their standards can be impossibly high. Feminism has taught women that career matters more than family and home-making; that they can and should be sexually open; and that they deserve the best. Double standards are rampant, and a lot of men just don’t want to put up with that. 

Rest assured, however: men have played their own role in the fall of traditional values and broken marriages. 

Nice Guys, Big Problem

Alongside the feminist agenda, men wanted their sexual “freedom.” Sleep with whomever I want, whenever I want? Relax the divorce laws so that I can get out of my marriage when the going gets tough? That’s not a hard sell, even if it wasn’t true freedom.

But there’s been a deeper, less-noticed problem going on in Western culture in particular. It’s a human problem, common when a child’s development doesn’t go as it should, exacerbated by the lies of feminism, absentee fathers, and other cultural factors that have changed the attitudes of men. 

The lie men believe is that they have to be “nice” in order for women to like them, sleep with them, and in general meet their needs. 

Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, suggests that a lot of men in our world suffer from what he calls Nice Guy Syndrome. 

Nice Guy Syndrome is the mentality that you have to work for the approval of others and be “nice” in order to get your needs met. It sounds sensible. Keep people happy. Don’t stir the pot. Happy wife, happy life. 

Unfortunately, the beliefs of Nice Guys are false. Women dislike when a guy has this mentality and ends up submissive, deferential and passive in a relationship. Despite what feminism says and despite what a lot of women say, they actually want the man to take the lead and initiative and draw the boundaries. 

That’s often not what men are told, however, and so when men discover that the game appears rigged and the game-makers (women, namely non-traditional women with a feminist bent) are lying, they quit the game and go the route of our podcaster friends: they’ll take sex, but they don’t want long term monogamy.

I have an inkling that Nice Guy Syndrome has made many men unattractive to women, contributing to the higher divorce rates and lower marriage rates we’re seeing. Men have become weak, women frustrated. 

In these ways and more, both men and women are contributing to a faulty social contract and rigged dating game where, ultimately, everyone loses. Nice Guys guarantee women won’t be attracted to them long-term; women have believed feminism’s double standards and are therefore undesirable as long-term mates. 

Change the Game

Back to the conclusion our podcaster friend came to: Don’t get married, because women these days aren’t marriage-worthy. They’re promiscuous and demanding, and if they leave you, they’ll take half your money. And probably some spousal/child support. 

That’s a problem, for sure, though it’s probably not as bad or as generalized as we’re making it sound. But is the solution really “don’t get married?” Is it your best option – or even a good one – to forego a lifelong partnership and companionship just because it appears to be a higher risk?

Promiscuity is a problem, they say. So is women having a higher “notch count.” Their solution? Add to said notch count and the promiscuity around you.

Why would you see a problem, complain about it, and then proceed to be a part of it? 

It doesn’t take a whole lot of creativity to see other potential courses of action. Maybe hold out for a more traditional woman who will settle down the way you would like to. Then, if you’re scared of divorce, agree to a prenup before you wed. If a woman has a past that you’re uncomfortable with, either find someone who doesn’t or learn to forgive. I’m guessing you have a past too, brother. 

If these guys and the MGTOW movement more generally want to be consistent, if they really think that female promiscuity/standards/etc. are making the world worse, then they need to stop contributing. Don’t fan the flames of strife. 

I’m not going to repeat all the benefits of marriage here, but they are not to be ignored. Google is your friend. 

I’m definitely not saying marriage and monogamy are easy. They aren’t. But it’s usually the challenging things that are the best, most meaningful things in life. 

Marriage, despite all its risks, is still the way to go. Draw your boundaries, hold out for a woman that sees things the same way as you do, and promote a culture of monogamy. That’s how you become part of the solution. 

Do women today have super high standards? It seems so, and the reasons for that might be complicated. That said, gentlemen, there are plenty of ways that we are weak, lazy, and otherwise contributing to the broken sex and marriage culture that is prevailing. 

Maybe we can do more than change ourselves. Maybe we can influence culture back towards the hard, but honourable way. 

 

Recommended reading: 

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover 

Wild At Heart by John Eldridge