I’m in a weird spot.
I’m 30 and single. That’s unusual, both historically and in my Christian subculture (at least for males). It’s not so unusual in contemporary Western culture, but experience and statistics seem to suggest that an unmarried male is going to have some troubles the older he gets.
I’m also in an exploratory phase when it comes to career, and this brings with it some uncertainties and anxieties.
It’s not the best place to be.
Sooner… or later?
This wasn’t part of the plan, and I don’t plan on being here for long. Therefore, I’m dating to find a mate even while I’m in school and figuring out my future.
Thus I often think: Should I be dating? Even if I found someone, is now a good time?
Honestly, I don’t think there’s one clear answer. Some will say, “Of course! Why wait to search? There will never be a perfect time.” Others will caution, “You need to focus on you. Heal up, figure your life out, and then you’ll be ready to bring someone along with you.”
Valid points.
One the one hand, marriage is a blessing. As I said, married men experience major health benefits (probably because of companionship and sexual fulfillment, among other things). Furthermore, while men don’t have the biological clock that women do, there are still good reasons to get married sooner rather than later. Healthier offspring, more potential mates, and probably more of the marriage benefits mentioned above (and for longer).
That isn’t to say you should rush it. Some research (linked above) suggests that getting married after 25 means more of those marriage benefits than getting married younger. A rushed marriage might mean a bad choice, and a bad choice (especially ending in divorce) could produce even worse health outcomes than remaining unmarried and making a somewhat later, but better, choice.
On the other hand, dating is that much more difficult when you’re in a bad place.
For one, you’re likely to make a bad decision. If you’re in a position of weakness or desperation, you’re likely to say yes to less suitable mates – perhaps anyone who will stay with you. That’s not love and respect; it’s a self-serving desire to just ensure that “somebody” will love you.
Furthermore, as a man, it would probably be unwise if my “bad place” involved no job or no real job prospects. No direction at all makes things very complicated. It also puts my potential mates in an awkward position. They’ll likely want kids sometime soon. But if I’m not going to be in a position to provide sooner rather than later, they’re going to be hesitant in giving themselves to me (as they should be).
Actually, and understandably, many may pass over me for this very reason. It’s not that I’m not a quality person, that they find me unattractive, or whatever (though they may think thusly if they don’t know me, since it’s all they have to go off of). But they’re going to want (even need) peace of mind and at least some promise of security if their and their offspring’s health are at stake.
Thus even if you choose to date, you may be passed over by more suitable mates. In other words, your likelihood of attracting and securing a higher quality mate is decreased. (I realize I’m simplifying here).
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Date now at your own risk. Put it off and you run different risks.
How bad is too bad?
In the end, it depends on how “bad” your place is. Mine isn’t half bad, so I’ve decided to date cautiously. Only you can make this call, but I recommend seeing what some close friends think (also: if you don’t have a friend you would ask this question, that’s a hint you should build your support system first).
I’ll take things really slow when I start getting to know someone. Even if I feel a spark, I’ve made commitments to keep an even pace and make sure I know and communicate (where appropriate) my wants and needs. I commit to ending things when my gut or sensibilities say “no.”
I’ve also come to be self-aware enough to know when I’m insecure and need to step back.
I’m not perfect here, but I do believe with caution things can be done right. And like everything, we do our best and learn as we go.
If you find yourself a bit out of control, depressed or anxious, or just plain desperate whenever anyone gives you attention (be honest!), I can’t recommend you undertake dating of any kind. A position of weakness, as Henry Cloud and John Townsend taught me, is no place to make any major decisions from. Especially if that decision is the most important one of your life.
If you’re not even sure you know if you’re any of those things, ask yourself: am I happy where I’m at? Am I an overall happy person?
Happiness is quite predictable. If you’ve got good relationships and are functioning within society, chances are you’ll be relatively happy. If you’re not happy, you’re probably not healthy. If you’re not healthy, you may want to change that before you bring someone into your unhappiness.
After all, it’s not only about you.
These are my very fallible but experienced and well-read* thoughts. I know how ugly things can get when you’re insecure and try to bring someone else into your life. I also know how dangerous it can be to bring someone who is unhealthy into your own life. I’m not saying you can’t do it or make it work, but I can say it’s not likely to end well.
Wherever you’re at, my hope is for your health and happiness – and, eventually, for your dating success as well.
*Some recommended reads:
Shawn Smith: The Tactical Guide to Women (I’m sure his Guide to Women is good, too)
Gary Thomas: The Sacred Search, Sacred Marriage
Timothy & Kathy Keller: The Meaning of Marriage
Henry Cloud & John Townsend: Boundaries in Dating
