We are more connected than ever before, yet loneliness is at an all-time high.
In developed nations, life is more streamlined and convenient than ever… yet mental health concerns are ever on the rise.
I’ve also noticed an increased sensitivity to stressors on a cultural level. The term “microaggression” illustrates this well. Today, many see an offensive word – regardless of intent – as violence. So instead of having hard conversations, we avoid them.
More connection, more convenience, more mental health issues, less stress tolerance.
Coincidences? Maybe.
Maybe not.
The Strengthening of Good Stress
A friend of mine, learning Muay Thai, recalled when he first took a punch.
First punch you take, brutal. Second one: not as bad. And so on.
As we talked, the reality dawned on us: Taking punches in martial arts is just like building resilience in relationships or the exchange of ideas. Never take a punch, and any hit to the noggin is going to be a shocker. Never learn to dialogue with those who you disagree with or find offensive, and sure, some ideas are going to feel straight-up violent.
But the problem is not with dialogue or even ideas, obnoxious though they may be. The problem is your resilience.
Discomfort for Comfort’s Sake
What if our lack of conversation was actually making it harder and harder to have a conversation at all, and thus leading to the difficulty of even living with and tolerating one another? Like a marriage that avoids conflict for the sake of so-called “peace” only to leave an issue to fester and rot the relationship from the inside out.
That is where we are. We have defeated ourselves by seeking comfort. In our pursuit of convenience and ease, we have softened ourselves and become vulnerable.
While on assignment in Asia, a friend of mine was working closely with a team of about 6 people (seeing/working with each other every day, living with one of them as a roommate… in general, very close proximity). When a regional leader came to the team a few months in, he was shocked to find each team member reporting no conflict.
The leader called an emergency meeting.
To him, this lack of conflict was a bad thing. Why? Because friction between people is inevitable. And when we learn to work with and deal with that friction, we actually get closer to each other through that difficulty. But if we don’t deal, we run the risk of bitterness festering and becoming something nearly impossible to work through.
It’s Easy to Be Soft Behind Screens
The internet and social media may exacerbate these problems.
It’s easier than ever to take things out of context. Short tweets and bite-sized posts make nuance rare. How can I have real relationships and a good support system (something key for emotional security) behind screens?
Former UFC champion Connor McGregor said something like this regarding his training: the more uncomfortable you are willing to make yourself, the more comfortable you’ll become.
How paradoxically true. Not only for the body, but also for the mind.
Think about it.
Mere words trigger us. Then, in our pain, we aren’t willing to have a conversation where we explain ourselves or agree to disagree. Why? We’re soft. Insecure. Too proud to experience conflict that is part of any meaningful relationship and which is actually necessary for true intimacy and psychological security. All for selfish, shallow, so-called comfort.
The antidote? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. More time in the real world, more time embracing healthy conflict, more reasonable risks to build fortitude, more failing forward. Like beating anxiety and PTSD, exposure to the things we’re afraid of will make us less afraid of them.
Only when we make ourselves uncomfortable can we find true, deeper comfort.
