Are infatuation and lust worth the loss of love?

I really like Bobby Lee. He’s hilarious and likable, and earns nostalgia points since I watched him on Mad TV back when cable was a thing. 

Like many comedians, he’s had to reinvent himself with the changing media climate. He started a podcast a while back which has become quite popular. The podcast centres around his guests and the hosts, which include himself and his (now ex) long-term girlfriend Khalyla Kuhn. 

The podcast gets pretty personal at times, and that, I think, is part of the appeal. Bobby is interesting, his guests are interesting, and his fun, witty relationship with Khalyla is a point of interest for many. 

Recently, Bobby and Khalyla broke up. It was emotional for both of them and admittedly, a bit emotional for me too. Not because I’m a long-time or big fan (I’m not), but because I know break-up pain more than most. When I see a couple that really likes each other and has a lot of potential, I root for them. 

So… why end the relationship they always spoke so well of?

There are a lot of complicating factors, but I want to highlight one that makes this whole thing particularly sad.

It’s this: In combination with some lifestyle choices that negatively affect any relationship, Bobby believes a significant lie that destines any relationship he has for failure. 

Bobby may have found love, but he’s traded a lifetime of it for the short-term dopamine surges of lust that he, consciously or not, thinks are what gives life meaning. 

What’s more sad is that many in our culture have bought into this lie. 

Obsessed With Butterflies

Ohh, if only we could all have those butterfly feelings forever!

Right?

WRONG!

Novelty feels great, particularly when that novelty is an attractive new significant other: Someone who you feel is just out of your league, who you enjoy the hell out of being around. This feeling (let’s call it infatuation) is lovely, and chock full of biological purpose. 

But here’s the thing… “new” by definition does not last. To expect something to always feel new and exciting is in itself a oxymoron. 

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. 

Not only is the idea of constant novelty conceptually broken, it’s actually biologically problematic for a few reasons. Let’s unpack at least two: 

First, the thrill of infatuation on the body is much like a drug. And like any drug, too much brings wear and tear on the body. Never-ending infatuation would exhaust us. 

Second, building off of point one: there is a high dopamine-response to novelty. Like many other systems in the body, the dopaminergic system adjusts to incoming stimuli. Over time, you become desensitized to dopamine (not just the presence of your spicy SO). This means that life’s everyday pleasures – including other new and exciting things outside of romance – would feel lacklustre and even lame in comparison. 

Plain and simple, the body cannot tolerate constant dopamine surges or highs. At the very least, it’s not helpful for those living a normal life. 

Cheap Thrills

The constant, unending novelty in internet pornography (i.e. being able to pick from a harem of fantasy partner online), is a case in point. Porn use leads to the need for increasingly intense content, and can make arousal by your partner more difficult. Some erectile dysfunction should not be surprising, especially when porn use is high. 

A friend of mine told me that once he quit porn, even food tasted better. This isn’t surprising; again, once my friend’s dopamine levels returned to normal, excitement and experience of everyday things could yield appropriate physiological responses. Until his dopamine levels returned to normal, everything in his life just seemed meh when compared to the constant thrill of new, beautiful women he could fantasize about at the click of a mouse. 

Bobbly Lee admits to using pornography. This porn use and long hours of video games are ways to chase dopamine highs and waste whatever sexual energy he may have at his age. Even Khalyla – still a beautiful woman in her late 30’s – couldn’t get the man to have sex with her. It’s not even that he didn’t want to… he just couldn’t. 

I’m no doctor, but I’m certain his porn use is a big part of the problem. 

Bobby isn’t alone, and our culture is feeling the effects not only of pornography but of a broader dopamine obsession, since our smartphones, TVs, and apps are built to keep us wanting more. 

All of this can lead to sluggishness, lack of motivation, and an overall feeling of dissatisfaction with everyday life and the things that are, in the long term, far more important and meaningful. 

The Sad Effects of Dopamine Chasing

Dopamine-hypercharged activities feel good in the moment, but they are jars with holes in them. They do not hold water and therefore lack the ability to bring life. They are inherently short-term thrills that sacrifice long-term potential. But if the writings and wisdom of our ancestors and history are to be taken seriously, it’s far wiser and more satisfying to sacrifice the present for the future. 

In fact, I would say it’s a necessary lesson of adulthood. There is no long-term gain, perhaps even no real psychological stability in one’s life, if we do not learn to sacrifice short-term temptations for long-term benefits. In the case of romance, a long, stable, supportive marriage requires the sacrifice of potential (or virtual) new mates and the thrills that come with them. 

Bobby’s failure to make simple sacrifices (pornography, video games, the thrill of new girlfriends) could be what keeps him from a stable, supportive marriage with a great partner. And by he and Khalyla’s own admission, many would be envious of the chemistry and closeness in their relationship. 

I’m not suggesting that the two should have stayed together. But until Bobby sacrifices video games and pornography and the never-ending chase for novelty and dopamine, he will never find a loving, stable relationship and all the benefits therein.

And maybe Bobby doesn’t want that. That’s his prerogative. 

Still, my hope for Bobby and for our culture is that we understand infatuation and dopamine chasing for what they are: short-term, fun, but unnecessary parts of life. They are empty, false gods, unsatisfying, and even poisonous in excess. 

Bobby, if you ever read this, I do wish the very best for you. You have been blessed with tremendous wealth, opportunity, influence, and the gift of comedy. I hope you get to live a long life of fulfillment and overcome the addictions that plague you and your relationships.