“Never settle” is simultaneously the best and the worst advice I’ve ever received when it comes to dating.

For most of my single and eligible life (let’s say 16+), I was on the lookout for the one. I placed women on pedestals and desperately sought the soulmate who would ease my anxious heart.

I wouldn’t have worded it like that back then, but that was the reality. It didn’t work out too well.

My high school dating life had at least two instances of “I just don’t want to be single.” Two more ended in heartbreak, but were more along the lines of, at least for me, “I’m excited to be with you.”

Two approaches, same result: heartbreak. Two relationships born from desperation, two from passion. Both times I was blinded in a different way, but we’ll get to that.

At university, I got a little deeper into Canadian Christian subculture, or at least a certain branch of it. While it seemed right at the time, boundaries between men and women were quite strict. Thus, especially if you were already the shy type, you were not very likely to initiate contact with a woman for fear of breaking the (sometimes unclear) norms.

What are your intentions with this woman? The right answer: considering if marriage is an option.

Being friends with her, for the sake of getting to know her in a low-stakes environment? Maybe getting some experience talking to women while I’m at it?

Nah, not good enough bruh. Too risky, after all. You could break some hearts.

But this kind of perfectionism and risk-avoidance means no exploration and personal discovery… which makes it kinda hard to know what you want, since you don’t know what’s out there or what you like.

Somewhere along the way, to my great relief, someone told me that I was allowed to have my own preferences; that breaking up with someone because I didn’t want to commit to a part of them (personality, values, etc.) was perfectly okay. One author summarized the importance of this well:

“It’s not wrong to want some degree of happiness [in your marriage]… in fact, it may be wise… but people marry people they don’t like all the time.”

We marry people we don’t like for similar reasons we stay in abusive relationships… we are desperate for validation and love, and can’t bear the thought of living alone again. So we justify breaking dealbreakers and why our preferences are silly or invalid.

Having preferences (and deal breakers) helps define our mate-search, but it also lends to our long-term relationship satisfaction. This is why “never settle” is great advice.

It is, however, a double-edged sword.

We All Settle A Little

So… how is “never settle” also terrible advice?

It’s not so hard to see that “never settle” could lead to some perfectionistic and exorbitant expectations.

Social media and dating apps make this more likely in at least two ways:

We become pickier. We de-value mates overall, since supply seems high and competition seems low.
On dating apps, it seems like you have dozens or hundreds of women to choose from and zero competition. And yet most women are flooded with matches and messages from guys looking for some action. You’d probably be less choosy if you saw your competition.
We compare ourselves and others (i.e. our potential mates) to the implied ideals put forward on said apps. When we see the highlight reel online, we assume the rest of their life looks like the highlight reel… we just don’t know any better.

Even before this high-supply mate devaluation, we tend to overestimate ourselves, so we probably overestimate what we deserve, too.

All this makes a recipe for trying to punch above our weight, and will ultimately lead to disappointment. The “never settle” attitude doesn’t work when your standards loom too high.

We simply cannot have it all.

The balance between aiming high and accepting reality is a fine line to walk. Settle too much, be disappointed and frustrated and annoyed for selling yourself short. Don’t settle enough, and you end up alone.

Where is the Line?

So where is the line? How do we know when my settling will be satisfying?

This post is already long, so I’ll give you my quick 2 cents as someone who’s been fighting this battle for a long time and then link you to some resources by folks who’ve said it as good as I ever could.

First, friendship is key. If you like someone’s company, get along well, and share similar values and life goals, you’ve got most of what you need. I like how Mark Manson delineates between chemistry and compatibility here.

Next, your gut can tell you a lot. If you find yourself resistant or hesitant to committing to this person, there’s probably a reason for it. If you have to talk yourself into the relationship (i.e. you keep needing to justify it), that’s another cause for pause. Your gut could just be worried about commitment, but it could also be trying to save you from something you actually don’t want.

Ultimately, you decide what you want to be picky about – how you refuse to settle. Establish your dealbreakers, and commit to them. For me, I needed someone who shared my overall take on God and family (including how many kids we wanted). I needed someone who could enjoy books or movies or other culture with me.

Likewise, establish what is ideal but not essential. I decided certain preferences wouldn’t keep me from an otherwise good match: ideal height or body type, agreement on every social issue, etc. These were the “would be nice to have, but don’t need to break the deal” options.

As you try to clarify these, listen to yourself. You may find some things are more (or less) important than you thought, and that’s okay.

At the end of the day, no relationship will ever be perfect. We all settle, and selection requires a balancing act and lots of grace. So decide for you what you will and will not settle for, and realize that someone, likely, will be settling in some ways for your imperfect self, too.

Best of luck, friends.

Keep searching.